The Walking Dead - Season 5, Episodes 9 &10

The Walking Dead Season 5 Mid-season Finale - "Coda"

*Picture courtesy of http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com

co·da

kōdə/ noun 
1 a : a concluding musical section that is formally distinct from the main structure. 
   b : a concluding part of a literary or dramatic work.

The mid-season finale aired last Sunday, 11/30, but I was so underwhelmed I am forcing myself to post only now, a week later.

I suppose what follows are spoilers but there wasn't much that wasn't rotten about this episode to begin with.

I second-guessed that I was even watching the mid-season finale because of how uneventful the episode was until the last five minutes. I get how things work now. I can just imagine zombie executives sitting around a conference room discussing their Walking Dead formula - elevate an otherwise non-essential character to only summarily kill off the character to give the masses something to talk about (and petition, really?) in an otherwise dull half-season. How lazy! 

Everything involving the hospital in the first part of this season 5 was just a contrived and empty construct leading to nothing but the elimination of an insubstantial character who was systematically inflated to artificially create the impression of a meaningful loss. I was as emotionally invested in this character's departure as I was (not) moved by the hokey folk music she performed in the last few minutes of previous episodes in place of a satisfying ending.  

It's not her fault that she was so poorly used. Who will be the baby Jude holder now (besides Tyrese, Carl and Michionne, who is also being wasted - even Carol has evolved!)? If your role on the show is to explain baby Jude's whereabouts and continued survival, your character's days are numbered. 

By the way, the actress who played Officer Dawn Lerner wasn't very good in the part and the character was a bore (although, it was cool to see her hold her own in a fight scene last episode). The best part of this episode was that Walking Dead brought an end to subjecting us to Officer Lerner, although they continue to waste our time and their season.

Return to Walking Dead - Season 5

After a strong start to the season, this show returns to disappointing after multiple sluggish episodes culminating in an inane ending to tonight's "Crossed." It really annoys me when Walking Dead forces their characters to do things that completely undermine them- for example, Sasha's ineptitude tonight. I won't even elaborate because it's so uninspiring in its stupidity.

I wish the writers would make more intelligent choices instead of thoughtless ones that don't even drive the pace of the plot forward and therefore are usually worthless. 

Now, I turn my attention to a cake pop. 

Mmmmm. That's better. 

The Walking Dead Season 5 Premiere - "No Sanctuary"

*Very cute zombie love picture courtesy of redundantthoughts

My love! Could it really be!!? Have you finally returned!?? (and along with it my recently defunct blogging)

Finally!!!!! After a sluggish and disappointing Season 4, and even as implausible scenarios persist (the feeding, changing, and no-(zombie-drawing)-crying of Judith), the Walking Dead reemerges months later in all of its former glory. They even made Carol a bad-ass! 

The question that lingers is can this wonderful momentum continue throughout the season or will it be reserved only for the mid-season/season finale? 

Game of Thrones: Season 4, Alive and Kicking All Up In Your Face

I considered live-blogging Game of Thrones Season 4 and then abandoned the idea. I love this show. I think it's excellent and respects its followers - unlike other ventures. 

However, I'm far too impatient to wait a week to get my fix, and so I prefer to see chunks of episodes at a time versus watching live airings each week. This way, I feel like I'm saving something special that I can enjoy in bulk. The drawback to this delayed viewing method is avoiding spoilers, which is a losing battle - partly because of the inconsideration of Facebook acquaintances but more often because I tend to read past the most alluring "spoiler alert" even when I'm forewarned. I annoy myself this way!

Season 4 was excellent. There was only one moment that stood out for me that seemed inspired by the current show runner/writers of the Walking Dead. 

NON-SPOILER ALERT.

Episode 8: The Mountain and the Viper was a great episode, even though the actual battle between the aforementioned characters doesn't take place until like the last five minutes, which were explosive! 

However, immediately preceding this magic, was a jail cell scene between Tyrion Lannister and his brother Jaime. What should have been touching was actually... ridiculously dull and forced. It involved an unreasonably long conversation about a random beetle smashing cousin, the drudgery of which was exacerbated by its utter pointlessness and a cringe-worthy Peter Dinklage (the actor who plays Tyrion). How uncouth for a midget little person vertically challenged individual anyone to mockingly impersonate a retard the developmentally disabled? Maybe that was the point? I am a fan of Peter Dinklage, but sometime after season 1, his accent/performances have flamboyantly teetered on the edge of questionable acting. I still love him though, save that stupid, really long beetle scene that was nothing more than filler leading into the good stuff/battle everyone was waiting on.

I can forgive these rare lapses (and the increasing ineffectiveness and bad judgment of Daenerys Targaryen) because Season 4 was truly impressive.

Sucks to have to wait a year for what happens next.

THE METHOD TO MARTIN'S MAD GENIUS:  MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW
NO REALLY!

Even though I have not read the books, after four seasons of having my emotions toyed with (and loving it), I finally get it. 

I realize now that George R.R. Martin's formula is the anti-formula: setting up the classic hero/villain formula and smashing it. 

In Season 1, I was sure Ned Stark would be rescued moments before his beheading. 

Season 3, I was completely blindsided by the Red Wedding.

Season 4, I was finally the wiser. Of course, the dashing Oberyn Tyrell was deserving of victory, not only championing the innocent Tyrion, but with a just cause of his own, i.e. avenging the cruel and horrific loss of his sister and her children... which is exactly why I knew he was DOOMED.

 
As Tyrion himself foreshadowed to the Viper earlier in the season:

 
"If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place."

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" Season 4 Finale, Episode 16, "A"

Current show runner Scott Gimple co-wrote this finale, and so I expect to have my mind lulled. Prove me wrong Scottie!

What does the cryptic title of the season finale, "A" mean?
 
The Terminus we were introduced to last week was a ghost town. I understand our cast of survivors are desperate but after Woodbury, I just don't understand their lack of any skepticism. Mary obviously intends to eat them. I don't even read the comics and I know this. 

Okay, here we go.

Hershel? What a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here? This is a flashback to the prison. This is Rick's flashback. The flashback had little to do with anything but when it ends we see Rick looking bloody and traumatized. Uh oh. We're about to find out why. Opening credits.

So many commercials. 5 minutes in and the episode hasn't even started yet. They waste so much time in a precious hour.

Rick, Carl and Michionne are camping. They talk about being really hungry and head off to check the snares. Carl has had a growth spurt. Hunger doesn't quell Carl asking a bunch of questions, including the philo-nonsensical "Who are we?"

They kill a walker. They examine a trap. Carl pulls a bozo move running off to the sounds of a someone crying for help, with Rick and Michonne chasing after him. Carl is really grating on me lately. Walkers are everywhere.

Flashback again to conversation between Hershel and Rick back at the prison. As much as I like Hershel, I'm not feeling this. Why are they stuck in the past when they have barely moved the story forward this season? And the flashbacks don't seem to be adding anything momentous.

Back to the present, a mob of walkers are on Rick and co.'s trail. They find a car. This leads to nothing.

Now, they're sitting at night in front of a campfire by the car. Again, campfires are used recklessly and with no explanation. Finally, Michonne questions whether Terminus is legit to Rick, but where is Carl? They hear a twig snap, stand to attention, and then pretty much ignore it. 

Surprise, the villainous gang have caught up and ambush Rick. The leader Jeff? Joe? puts a gun to Rick's head stating the obvious: "You screwed up asshole."

Joe states that today is the day of reckoning. Carl who was sleeping in the car is rudely awakened. Joe starts a countdown to shooting Rick which is interrupted by Daryl. Daryl puts down his crossbow - my misgivings about this being a good strategic move are realized as Daryl gets his ass beat down.

Ew, a filthy man starts licking Carl's ear. Filthy man is trying to rape Carl! Right when things look like they will be really dreadful, Rick bites Joe's neck. This completely disorients the other villains who basically just stand there in shock and get picked off one by one. What a relief!

Cut to commercial - okay, this seemed to end well for our heroes. Why the opening trauma Rick?

Back to another Hershel prison flashback. Hershel is teaching Rick about farming. Why is this part of the finale?
Hershel is saying that Carl needs his father to show him a way that's more than just shooting. Hershel says they all owe Rick. Hershel has faith that they can make things better even as Rick expresses skepticism.

Cut to traumatized Rick from the opening scene. Oh, I guess the trauma was just from ripping a man's throat out with his bare teeth. There are worse things to be traumatized over as alluded to by the previous scenes. Rick and co. have made out pretty well, especially the reuniting with Daryl part. Rick calls Daryl his brother. Aw sweet. 

Now, the gang continues their trek to Terminus. The dialogue is pretty flat and involves a lot of proclamations of being "okay."

The gang arrives at Terminus. Carl gives Rick the cold shoulder, and joins Michonne on scouting. This prompts Michonne to reveal to Carl how her son Andre died which also explains how she figured out the walking with walkers camo. Michonne says Andrea and the others brought her back from being a monster/gone. Carl explains that he's not what Rick thinks he is - that's he's just a monster too. 

Rick and co. bury a stash of weapons before they sneak into Terminus. They encounter the residents of Terminus but where's Glenn/Maggie/Sgt. company?

A dweeby looking guy named Gareth welcomes Rick and co. claiming that they found sanctuary. Gareth is suspiciously cheery and I already can't wait for him to die. Phony Gareth politely asks for weapons to be relinquished and then Rick and co. are patted down. The weapons are returned, so what was the point of the weapons check?

Rick and co. are introduced to other members of Terminus, including Alan and Mary, who is asked to fix them a plate of something ambiguous. 

Rick notes that Alan is carrying Hershel's watch that was gifted to Glenn. Rick springs to action and accosts Alan at gunpoint. Rick's comrades draw their weapons also. Where's Glenn!?

Prison flashback. This is the worst time for another useless prison flashback.

Back to the present. Rick questions Alan at gunpoint about the watch, the riot gear and Maggie's poncho adorned by members of Terminus. Gareth is full of lies. Shooting breaks out. Rick and co. run away - good thing they're bullet proof and/or the snipers are intentionally missing to herd them.

The group is led to a room full of burning candles and strange foreboding messages on the wall. They run back outside only to be surrounded.

Rick and co. are instructed to drop their weapons by Gareth, who is backed by snipers, and so they have no choice but to comply. Rick is instructed to go to the train car. Daryl and Michonne are instructed to follow. Carl is allowed to join them. So why have them go separately? 

Gareth instructs that they enter the train car in that order. Carl is really dragging his feet. 

Hurray, Glenn and Maggie and co. are there also. Well, not hurray exactly, cause they are all trapped inside of  a train car. 

Rick says "No" powerfully but I'm not sure why.

Back to another useless farming flashback at the prison.

Cut back to Rick, who says "They're going to feel pretty stupid when they find out..."

Sgt. Abe and all home viewers: "Find out what?"

Find out what "A" means? Find out that this is all that leads up to waiting several months for the next season.

Rick dangerously peers into the camera and closes with: "They're screwing with the wrong people."

Crickets chirp in my living room, bringing to a close an "A-nnoying" "A-bject" "A-nesthetized" season.

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" - Season 4, Episode 15, "Us"

I missed blogging about the first half of the episode as I was eating pie.

So far, the highlights have been Glenn selfishly making a bunch of bad decisions and Daryl learning that the prevailing rule of his current villainous company is calling dibsies.

In another dopey exchange between Carl and Michionne, we also learned that in this world, "Kit Kat" is "Big Kat."

Okay, less than 20 minutes left. I like that this episode isn't entirely dedicated to just one faction of the separated cast, but still not much has happened.

After being annoying the entire first half, Eugene redeems himself.

After being annoying the entire first half, Glenn redeems himself.  

9:41-9:45 was very good before we cut back to commercials.

Right when Glenn pauses being annoying, Maggie picks up the slack.

Uh oh, the bad guy gang reveals who they're tracking (Rick), why (strangling their buddy in the house) and to where (Terminus).

Terminus is revealed, with a greeting by a creepy old woman. Yea, hello Governess.

Overall, this episode would have made for a good half of a great episode.

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" - Season 4, Episode 14, "The Grove"

As I await tonight's episode, I ponder: When will Carol die already? When!?

It also crosses my mind that it's pretty convenient to invent for Tyreese a lover who lasts less than half an episode just to set up this tension between him and Carol.

Water boils in a copper kettle as someone looks out a window, watching playing children, as we hear really old music with an ominous overtone. Start opening credits. That was it?

Carol and weirdo Lizzie are sharing the night watch, discussing Terminus and whether kids will be there. Lizzie claims she saved Tyreese. I make a mental note that Lizzie needs to die also.
Lizzie asks Carol if she had kids. This has never come up before between them? Lizzie makes more annoying comments. Maybe they can take out Carol and Lizzie in one walker herd swoop? Carol dismisses Lizzie advising her to get to sleep and that's one of the first useful things Carol has done ever.
Tyreese is sleep talking.

By day, Lizzie finds tree sap which Carol applies to Tyreese's wound to stave off his infection. They have some boring conversation.

Later, the foursome make their way down the train tracks. Where's Judith? Is she in one of their backpacks?
All of a sudden Judith materializes in the next scene, way too large to have been in Carol's backpack as the show purports.

Repeatedly throughout this episode, the "foursome" break up to allow for personalized interaction between two characters but this seems flawed as a survival strategy. In the absence of Carol and Mika, Tyreese leaves Lizzie alone to examine a walker on the train track. He would have come to you - oh no, wait, this walker can't actually walk, after falling on the train tracks and not being able to get back up. Lizzie advocates against Tyreese putting the walker out of its misery and Tyreese listens for no good reason.

Inexplicably off on a stroll of their own, Carol talks to little Mika about toughening up. This little one actually realizes that her sister is messed up. She's the smartest of the group. She calls out Carol on murder being wrong. Carol is being really creepy trying to convince Mika to be a murderer. Mika says that her mother said that everything happens for a reason as they stumble onto something excitedly but I'm not sure what.

After the commercial break, I learn that Mika has found pecans, for which she enthusiastically proclaims her love. I prefer cashews although pecans are probably safer. Pecans... a pecan farm? A pecan grove! Judith has disappeared and reappears again as the group approaches a house in the middle of the grove.

Carol and Tyreese invade the house to examine it, leaving the gun with Mika who has already stated that she won't shoot anyone. I suppose that's because of Lizzie's walker anti-killing stance.

Outside of the house, Mika waits with the vacant-looking Lizzie who holds a comatose Judith. Lizzie and Mika debate whether walkers are people. Not suddenly enough, a walker stumbles out of the house. Mika wastes bullets but finally nails the walker as Carol and Tyreese emerge from the house. Lizzie mourns. Mika tries to comfort Lizzie. Lizzie is seriously mental.

By nightfall, Lizzie continues to call Carol "Ma'am." Mika enthusiastically claims a raggedy doll and names her "Grisilda Grunderson." This is actually amusing to me. Mika tells Tyreese to relax and that they should live at the grove.

The next day, Carol is boiling water. I guess she was the creeper watching the children from the window? Lizzie is playing tag with a walker child - OH! THAT is the ominous scene from the opening!

Carol rushes out and knifes the walker in the brain. Lizzie freaks out. This child needs corporal punishment. Tyreese witnesses Lizzie raging at Carol for killing her "friend." Lizzie is seriously deranged.

More has actually happened in the first 25 minutes of this episode than in any other episode so far post mid-season finale and so, while these aren't my favorite characters, I'm surprisingly okay with it.

Carol continues to try to toughen Mika up on another afternoon stroll. Who the eff is watching Lizzie after her apocalyptic meltdown? Carol and Mika encounter a deer, which Carol encourages Mika to shoot. This girl misses everything at point blank range and so I'm not afraid for Bambi. Do they have that much ammo to waste? Mika comes through, stating that she can't shoot the deer.

Later, Tyreese shares quality time alone with Carol, suggesting abandoning the plan to go to Terminus and instead living at the pecan grove. Tyreese states that he knows Mika and Lizzie, and that he trusts Carol. Poor stupid Tyreese.

Meanwhile, Mika discovers Lizzie feeding a rat to the trapped walker at the train tracks (solving the weak mystery of who was feeding the walkers at the prison). Mika and Lizzie have another walker existentialism debate. Lizzie considers changing into a walker to be like them. A burnt zombie herd emerges, demonstrating that walkers are impervious to fire (perhaps, crispy from the fire set by Blondie and Daryl?). I wonder why Lizzie runs, given her delusions. Mika stumbles. Nooo Not Mika!!! She's my new little favorite!
Carol and Tyreese emerge with guns, and Mika thankfully escapes. Carol sucks at shooting also. Lizzie gets a clue and joins in on the shooting, along with Mika and Tyreese, disposing of the walkers. Judith was MIA again. It's truly preposterous that Judith is still alive.

There's a commercial break every 4 minutes. This is lame.

That evening, stupid Lizzie is ranting again by the fireplace. She claims that she knows what she has to do now. Carol says something trite. My thoughts wander to considering how Carol maintains her haircut post-apocalypse? Carol and the girls mess with an endless supply of pecans in the kitchen.

The next day, Carol and Tyreese walk the grounds again, for no discernable purpose. Carol and Tyreese agree to stay. Tyreese tells Carol that he dreams about Karen. Carol looks like she is struggling not to pass gas. Tyreese goes on and on about Karen (dude, what about your sister, Sasha?) and Carol says nothing with a really guilty expression on her face that is escaping Tyreese. Carol looks like she's about to break. No Carol. Don't offer your stupid confession now. NO, you cannot be that dumb. Whew... Carol has better sense than Carol. Tyreese says that Carol has done right by everyone and hugs her.

Carol and Tyreese walk along and have more boring conversation. OH MY GOSH, please, it's like the same scene as before but the expanded cut. Carol offers the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts, and Tyreese talks about the difference between stupid and stupid good, which I already know from watching this season.

Carol and Tyreese return to the house and encounter Lizzie with a bloodied knife standing over a body. OH MY GOSH NO.
Lizzie has killed Mika (Judith is still alive, again against all odds).

Time to put down Lizzie. I am too stunned to write anything. Shit just got real, and good, and real good.

Carol convinces Lizzie that everything is cool, and Tyreese escorts Lizzie and Judith into the house. Carol breaks down. This shit is sad, but finally a good episode with the least likely cast members. Goodbye sweet Mika you little angel. Sucks you have a shitty sister.

Carol and Tyreese have a convo in the kitchen coming to terms with the fact that Lizzie is a psycho. Tyreese realizes Lizzie is responsible for feeding the prison zombies and also for conducting a gruesome rat crucifixion - which seems inconsistent with her pro-life stance?

Carol leads Lizzie away from the house. Tyreese watches from the window. Carol tells Lizzie that she loves her and shoots her.

Carol and Tyrese bury Lizzie and Mika.

After nightfall, Carol passes her gun to Tyreese and confesses her murders. Poor effing Tyreese. Carol tells him to do what he has to do. Tyreese would never survive on his own. Tyreese says he will never forget but that he forgives Carol, but he looks real ominous and unstable as he's saying this. Carol thanks him. Tyreese says there's no need to stay at the grove anymore.

Carol and Tyreese leave the pecans behind as we hear useless voiceovers from the departed children. In their wake, remains Lizzie's walker friend on the train tracks. Cut to Talking Dead where tonight's guests (including Melissa McBride who plays Carol) are all in tears.

Wow, finally a good episode but for reasons I could not have predicted. After a long flatline, Walking Dead finally comes back, but time will tell whether it has resuscitated or simply reanimated.

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" - Season 4, Episode 13, "Alone"

Opening starts with close up on Bob, the doc, with a beard, which of course signifies that this is a flashback. He is a lone wolf surviving, well, alone. There is another weird folksy country song playing. Bob looks depressed. This is depressing. He's walking around some more somberly. Bob is picked up by Glenn and Daryl, who quiz him with Rick's "test" questions. It seems really easy to pass the test and Bob joins the gang. End flashback and opening pre-credits scene.

Maggie, Sasha and beardless Bob fight off zombies in the fog.

After Blondie injures her foot in a trap, Daryl picks her up and carries her for about two feet. He sets her down in front of an old grave/headstone where they hold hands. Beth repeatedly refers to Daryl as a "good guy" throughout this episode. I wholeheartedly agree.

Maggie, Sasha and Bob see the signs for Terminus. Maggie wants to go to Terminus because she is convinced that Glenn would follow her there but she can't articulate her convictions using any sound logic. Sasha sensibly makes an argument against navigating a dangerous path to an unknown destination. Bob supports Maggie, just cause. Revelation, Bob was a vet student.

Daryl and Blondie discover a funeral parlor and get cozy.

Blondie plays the piano by candlelight to draw zombies or because she is an idiot.

Maggie abandons Sasha and Bob, not wanting to risk their lives in her search for Glenn on route to Terminus. Maggie eviscerates a walker to leave a bloody message for Glenn on a map to Terminus.

Sasha and Bob have a heart to heart. It is boring and so I tune out. I also largely missed a scene where Blondie's efforts to nab herself some Dixon are succeeding, only to be interrupted by a dog setting off the walker tin can alarm - this happened while I was wrestling away my laptop from my 23-month old nephew who has been wanting to watch the same youtube video featuring a choo-choo train 50 times. This probably beats the Walking Dead.

Daryl opens the door without looking and the funeral parlor is overrun by a zombie invasion. Daryl instructs Blondie to wait for him outside, diverting the walkers. He bravely fights his way out of the basement and escapes the house, only to see a car speeding away. Blondie's bag remains on the ground. It looks like she may have been kidnapped. 

Sasha and Bob continue to follow the train tracks searching for Maggie. Sasha identifies a place where they could stop and nest. Bob is the voice of hope and makes a move on Sasha to encourage her to keep the faith. The kiss was a miss. Bob leaves Sasha to continue his search for Maggie. Sasha looks on confused.

After Bob ditches her, Sasha enters an abandoned building. This doesn't seem like a great plan. Sasha starts crying.

Sasha walks over to a window and sees Maggie lying on the ground next to a truck. Sasha draws a lot of unnecessary attention by accidentally causing the window frame to fall noisily to the ground. She runs out of the building looking for Maggie, drawing walkers behind her.

Sasha and Maggie fight off zombies. Maggie beheads a walker with a shovel. What was Maggie doing lying on the ground amidst a bunch of walkers? Maggie explains that she peaced out cause she overheard Sasha tell Bob that the odds were that Glenn was dead. Maggie believes Sasha is wrong. Maggie says that she was waiting for Sasha and Bob to catch up cause she needs their help. Maggie figures it's okay to ask Sasha to risk her life, because it wouldn't be for just Glenn. Maggie is alluding that Tyrese will be at Terminus too.

A forlorn Daryl, sitting on the ground all alone, is surrounded by a gang. He aims his bow at the gang leader, who introduces himself as Joe. You know Joe is going to be real bad news, because the creepy looking actor who plays him is always cast as a villain, including as a magic/drug-dealer on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Joe invites Daryl to join their gang "to hurt people" instead of going all kamikaze. Daryl is forced to accept.

Bob walks the train tracks by himself, this time looking inspired - an upbeat version of the country song from the opening highlights the sharp contrast to the bearded Bob of old. I actually like this weird country song now. Bob's faith is rewarded - Maggie and Sasha catch up.

The episode ends with a close up on Glenn examining a sign for Terminus.

This episode was not as awful as last week's episode, but that's not saying much.
Next week's episode looks like it focuses solely on Tyrese, Carol and the kids and so the prognosis is negative.

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" - Season 4 ,Episode 12, "Still"

Daryl and Blondie are in the trunk of a car hiding from a herd of raging walkers, probably attracted by late night open campfire making.
Cut to, they are still hiding. They exit the trunk... Daryl gathers supplies from the car. They look at each other wordlessly. Daryl walks away from car. Blondie follows Daryl. Cue thrilling opening song ... after not so thrilling opening.

Daryl aims his crossbow at a squirrel and misses. The impossible happens - he breaks an arrow. One  arrow down, infinity arrows to go.

Blondie makes a campire. Darly hunts for food - it's snake for breakfast!

These guys don't talk very much. Blondie states that she needs a "real drink." She's never had one because of her Dad but "he's not exactly around anymore" so she thought they could find some. What wine goes best with snake?

Blondie leaves by herself. Daryl apparently doesn't give a shit and continues feasting on snake, which makes sense to me.

Walkers approach as Blondie hides behind a tree. She deflects them fairly easily but even if she hadn't, Daryl had her back, appearing with his crossbow.

Blondie gives Daryl the finger, exclaiming that she wants more than silence and mud-snake. She's really feinding for a drink. Daryl looks thoughtful.

One quarter of the episode is done. Did I mention AMC has way too many effing commercial breaks during one episode?

Blondie walks into an open field - bright idea. Daryl follows. They find a country club - convenient. Walkers are on their trail. They enter the building, with not a care that they're trapping themselves in a building with walkers inside and out.

Walkers are hanging from the ceiling - talk about botched suicide attempt. Blondie pilfers a spoon, as Daryl bags money - maybe they could use it as toilet paper?

Daryl and Blondie barricade themselves into the kitchen. Blondie climbs a rickety shelf to grab a bottle of wine without checking for walkers. Are these people that stupid?

Sure enough, she is attacked from behind by a walker. She breaks the bottle of wine offing the walker. Daryl just watches. Blondie thanks him for the help sarcastically. Darly responds that she said she could take care of herself. Not cool Daryl.

I guess the writers are on vacation because this episode has been almost entirely absent of dialogue.

B & D stumble upon the body of a "rich bitch" - shout out to Hall & Oates. Blondie wants to take the body down insisting that this matters. WHY? WHY DOES IT MATTER?

B & D are further cornered in the club as walkers enter. Blondie watches doing nothing as Daryl fights off multiple walkers. Daryl repeatedly "clubs" (with a golf club, ba da bum!) a walker in the arm instead of the head, prolonging things needlessly.

Blondie acknowledges that her plan was stupid but that she needs "to do this," grabbing a bottle of peach schnapps from behind the bar. She defends herself stating it was the only thing left. Blondie wipes down a nasty cup, when she could just swig from the bottle.

Blondie inexplicably breaks down in front of the bottle as Daryl plays darts. Daryl breaks the bottle insisting her first drink "aint going to be no peach schnapps." I'm really confused. Did some sort of advertising deal fall through that provoked a half episode statement by AMC? You'll eat snake but eff that peach schnapps! 

B & D have some worthless conversation walking back through the woods, sparing us the mystery of how they escaped the country club. They stumble upon a moonshine distillery. That's not random.

Blondie momentarily worries about going blind but has her first "real drink." Daryl is not concerned about the risk of walkers emerging or of Blondie not holding her liquor well or of these events happening simultaneously. 

Blondie finds a plastic container in the shape of a pink bra. Daryl reminisces about plastic pink bra containers and his dad's shed, firmly establishing that he is a real hillbilly.

Daryl sees a walker approaching the flimsy shed window. Blondie offers Daryl some moonshine, which he partakes of, ignoring the walker still outside the window. We've seen walkers bust down fences but apparently this walker is willing to patiently wait.

Blondie wants Daryl to play drinking games. Is she trying to seduce Daryl? Blondie states that she learned this game from watching her parents?! They suck at this game and it is dreadfully boring. 

Daryl leaves to take a piss against the wall. He got drunk instantly. Whoah, he is a nasty drunk and tells off Blondie - hahaha this is awesome. I guess the writers are back.

Drunk Daryl manhandles Blondie insisting that she learn to shoot a crossbow. Blondie knifes the target practice, preaching that killing walkers isn't supposed to be fun. Blondie calls bullshit on Daryl's tough front. Daryl calls Blondie a dumb college bitch. Finally this episode is getting somewhere.

Daryl gets emotional and starts crying about not being able to stop the Governor and about Hershel's death. Blondie hugs the strong yet sensitive Daryl - I knew she was trying to get in his pants!

Back from the commercial break, B & D are having a heart-to-heart. Daryl gives some back story, about the time he was watching tv at a tweaker's house with his brother, Merle. There was apparently a mexican standoff that broke out over what to watch on tv, which Daryl survived by puking. Daryl didn't have "nobody or nothing" and claims he was a redneck asshole before the zombie outbreak - this is not a big reveal but pretty much what anyone would have assumed.

Blondie talks about who she misses, including her big brother Shawn, whom I don't even remember. Blondie actually thought Maggie and Glenn would have a baby, and Hershel would be a grandpa and there would be birthdays and picnics, at some point probably after she tried to kill herself. She acknowledges this was unbelievably stupid.

B & D are just going on and on, and maybe things were better in this episode when they weren't talking.

Blondie states the obvious, that Daryl will be the last man standing and that he will miss her so bad when she is gone. When, when will this happen!?? Please let it happen!? Blondie tells Daryl that he must go on, seemingly giving him the speech that Jack gave Rose after the Titanic went down before he froze to death.

Blondie thinks they should burn their shelter down?? They waste the rest of the moonshine executing this cacamamie plan to some weird country music about absent mothers. 

After starting a forest fire, they throw up their middle fingers at the fire that spreads wildly and walk away. FINE -as in the end, cause this episode was far from fine. It was truly awful. Is the episode titled "Still" for this shit "Still" effing sucks?

In other news, before this non-episode of Walking Dead, I happened to catch Ellen's opening monologue during the Oscars, and she nailed it. Ellen's opening monologue covered more ground than this entire season of Walking Dead, just substitute the Hollywood A-list for the undead. I tuned back in time to see Lupita Nyong'o winning an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. This took the edge off of wasting the past hour. Lupita's speech was moving enough to revive zombies but probably not the writers of Walking Dead.

Live Blogging: "The Walking Dead" - Season 4 ,Episode 11, "Claimed"

Wow, Seth Rogen is guest-starring as Sgt. Abe Ford. I knew there was life in action after Green Hornet for this man!

What's so funny about Michonne's shirt Carl? I don't get it?
Are they really having a conversation about soy milk? The writers saw no other way to awkwardly transition into Judith's absence?

Michonne: What's the plan Rick? - The question of the hour (five hours ago).

Does it really make sense to split up Rick & company at this point, after already experiencing how easy it is to get lost and separated? Rick sticks behind in the house for "rest." Rest is for the brainless dead (also known as the current Walking Dead show runner).

Michonne and Carl go to gather supplies and make more strained small-talk, this time about "crazy cheese." Carl states that he is just tired, which explains why this conversation is so underwhelming, I guess.

Oh wow, Michonne is now impersonating a walker with crazy cheese in her mouth. What the eff is happening right now? Who calls Cheese Whiz crazy cheese?

Crazy cheese transitions into Michonne stating that she had a three year old son. Are these segues forced or is it just me?

Now they're playing the clear the room-20 questions but one question at a time per room game. This should cover us into about season 7. It's a quarter in to the episode and absolutely nothing has happened.

Cut back to Rick, whose rest is disturbed by the voices of strangers. Rick hides under the bed as a stranger enters. I think I saw this exact scene in Taken except Rick is not on the phone with Liam Neeson.

There is a close up on a painting of bunnies on the wall in the room Michonne and Carl are clearing. Michonne says that her son's name was Andre Anthony.

Michonne is staring off into space at other random paintings on the wall, such as a sunflower, as Carl does all of the heavy lifting.

M adds about her son - "It happened after... after everything happened." - These lines are as artful as the bunnies and the sunflower.

If your back story is "not really a secret" than why have Carl drag it out of you M?

M picks up a jacked up painting of a girl... this raises her alarm and cues suspenseful music.

M stealthily walks in to the bathroom... then a kid's room and sighs. End suspenseful music and cue thoughtful music, as she peruses the room.

M enters an adjacent all pink room - suspenseful music returns. Bodies abound. The all pink is creepier.

Carl surprises M, who lies about a dead dog being in the room instead of a dead family.

Carl states that maybe baby Judith and Andre are together somewhere. M ushers Carl out of the room stating that it's almost noon - and half way through another horrendously dull episode.

Rick is still hiding under the bed. He listens to a fight by the strangers over the bed. Random stranger is murdered right in front of Rick's face. Guy on bed is a bad man who murders comrade over a bed.

Glenn was passed out all this time (much like I was), and is now awakening on Sgt. Abe's truck with Tara. Glenn finds out that it's been three hours since the truck passed by the zombie cheese bus. Glenn freaks out and stops the truck.

Sgt. Abe wants Glenn really bad and is willing to manhandle him to prove it. Sgt. Abe intros his company, including Rosita Espinosa (executing a trying too hard to look tough but also sexy pose) and scientist Eugene. They are on route to Washington D.C. because Eugene has the answer to resolving the zombie outbreak but he says he can't be more specific cause it's classified. How is anything classified anymore?

No one's picking up the phone anymore in DC but they still think it's a good idea to go there.

Glenn insists on leaving to find Maggie. He punches Sgt. Abe which seems like a bad idea to me. I'm distracted by Eugene's mullet. Sgt. and Glenn are too busy rolling around to notice walkers joining the party. 

Sgt. Abe is a good shot and has unlimited ammo, eliminating the intruding walkers. However, Eugene has accidentally shot up the gas tank of the truck and so they are now stranded.

Rick is still hiding under the bed but now slowly sliding out. Rick continues to hide in the hallway. The strangers sound like rapists. This scene is actually good. Rick stumbles into the bathroom and surprises a guy on the toilet. Rick chokes him out and gets his gun.

Cut to commercial break - Mindy Kaling will be a guest on Talking Dead. It's cool that Mindy Kaling watches the Walking Dead. 8 minutes left to the show.

Rick sneaks out a window and climbs down the roof. He sneaks off around the house and hides some more.

Sgt. Abe is trying to fix the truck as Army Barbie Rosie poses some more and sighs heavily. Rosie gratuitously bends down to pick up Glenn's photo of Maggie which the production assistant removed from his pocket and placed on the ground.

Sgt. Abe and co. join Glenn as he departs.

Rick is still hiding. A stranger is spitting and whistling on the porch. Rick sees Carl & M returning and is almost forced to make a move but is able to breakaway with Carl & M when the strangers are distracted by discovering the bodies in the house.

Tara concludes Sgt. Abe is a good person and we know what a great judge of character she is. This time I want to believe it too though because I heart redheads.

Rick & co. see the sign for "sanctuary" and follow the train tracks. I think they'd all be more skeptical by now but this is not addressed whatsoever. 

First half = awful. Last quarter = better, but none of the action we witness has anything to do with the long-term arc of the season - perhaps because there is none.

I realize this episode was Daryl-less. "Son of dick!" Maybe, that's okay because this meant an absence of his current companion, the always momentum-stalling Blondie.

"The Walking Dead" - Season 4 ,Episode 10, "Inmates"

This show makes no effing sense.

The following post technically includes spoilers except there really isn't anything to spoil anymore.

The nonsense from last Sunday's episode included:

1) Daryl & Blondie are running from walkers in the opening scene followed by, later that evening, chilling next to a walker beacon campfire with not a care in the world. They don't know better by now? At least have one of the characters explain, "I don't even give an eff anymore about attracting a herd of walkers with this fire because I'm so effing cold and tired and Daryl, I need you to hold me right now."
By the way, Daryl should have run out of arrows a long time ago, but he looks so effing cool with that bow that I'll give this a pass.

2) Tyree & kids managed to escape the prison during the melee with bottled formula & diapers? How the eff have they had enough formula/milk to last Judith this long?!

3) A baby who doesn't start crying when a bottle is pulled from her mouth as she's feeding is more unbelievable to me than an apocalyptic zombie outbreak.

At least, this episode was more entertaining than the most bland Episode 9 mid-season premiere featuring one-note Michonne, the usual (but this time literally) unconscious Rick, and Carl needing some Kansas-rearing.

My First Tweet

@WalkingDead_AMC Eff you.
— What The Eff? (@effwalkingdead) February 19, 2014

Eff Walking Dead

*Picture courtesy memecrunch.com

So, basically, Walking Dead is like that hot girl you had totally been lusting over suddenly deciding she wants to eff you back, and even better, the effing exceeds all of your effing expectations.

Then, after an amazing honeymoon period of endless effing, where you actually even enjoy cuddling, she decides you two should get to know each other better. Surprisingly, you're actually down with that. The effing's been so good, you're actually interested in investing more time in to this relationship.

So, now in between getting effed sporadically, she wants to talk about her childhood, and her hopes and dreams, and her new coworkers, and her daily grind at the farm, and are they really trying to go there with Carol and Daryl cause she looks like his mom, and where the eff is Sophia, and are you even effing listening anymore?!

But great effing bears all things, believes all things, and so you stick with it through a couple of more seasons, because here and there, she sprinkles in a little action and excellent finales that keeps hope alive for that hard-core effing that initially bonded you.

Gradually, amidst all of Andrea's inane whining and long awaited demise, and a whole episode of pointless conversation with the Governor when Rick should have just effing shot him in the head - I mean, after everything you've been through Rick, why the eff would you just sit around fake negotiating with this villain who just sneak attacked you and your family!!? -it dawns on you that she wants you to change.

No longer are you good enough as the person she initially met and wanted to full-blown eff. Now, she is relentlessly nagging you, but at an incredibly slow-moving pace, about how you should be willing to listen to her more. She needs you to be less interested in fast-paced and regular effing. She wants you to just be there, present, through entire episodes where the plot is not moved forward at all and characters are engaging in behaviors that make no sense for them.

You question yourself - maybe there is some method that you don't yet understand to this plodding and irregular character development that leads to nowhere?

Could this lethargy ironically resuscitate the now-defunct effing and bring back the effing that once was, perhaps even effing better than before?

But slowly, painfully, you realize, revived zombie-ass effing is not as good as effing when you were both alive, before this thing that you once loved had sucked the life out of you. You effing find out that you're not alone -your girl has effed all of your friends and millions of strangers in the same way! Most of them linger, like you, haunted by the past of glory days long dead. Some are in complete denial, lying to themselves about being satisfied and holding out for a hopeless future. Those, with far better judgment, have long abandoned this whore. The brutal truth fully emerges - AMC, making mad advertising dollars pimping off your girl, is too short sighted to care about the long term consequences of jerking all of you around.

Plus, she's totally let herself go and you're not even sure you want to eff her anymore. But there's no one else to eff on Sunday nights in your life right now, and you're extremely loyal, even to the memories of a good lay. So now, you're basically effed unless something better comes along. You admit, this is partly your fault. If only you hadn't been so superficial in the first place. No-effing-thing lasts forever.